how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
