Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
