Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
