call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
