I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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