Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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