You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
