She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
