i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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