1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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