I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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