It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
