every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It was confusing and full of hummus
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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