Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
