Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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