He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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