I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
