my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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