did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
