bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
