Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
