I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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