just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
