Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
