My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
