he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
