dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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