there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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