It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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