Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
