I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
