i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
