i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
