wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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