Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
This is my gift to your gina
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
