Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My penis needs a shock collar
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
