He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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