he puts the penis in happiness.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
