Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
