can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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