By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
