Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
People in love make me want to vomit
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
