grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I am one with the molecules
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
