You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
