proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
