it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Michael Bay diarrhea
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize