Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
So much rum. So many feels.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
