I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
