I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
