I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
