Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
