You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i think i just lost a toe
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
