Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
