I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
