You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
