Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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