Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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