All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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