all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just invented taco cereal.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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