I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
