Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
